driven to distraction

I love to be moved. I've been so good lately, though still far from the Spartan manner that I mean to live, ha ha ha

no more ipod, reduced to listening to Youth Group's version of Forever Young on repeat. less distractions, more distractions, bigger ones, subtle ones, the ones ya neeeeed. I love it.

I miss having a confidante, I miss the emotional affair, but open my hands and nothing will be held on to jealously. and I still remember how to open them.

so many adventures couldn't happen today
so many songs we forgot to play
so many dreams swinging out of the blue
left to come true

I don't want to live forever

a drastic change in tone

well, i've landed myself in a few predicaments recently,

i lost my ipod, just about to scratch my eyes out here in the office listening to the few songs i've had in my gmail for the last two days. yes yes, mellow songs are good but not ALL the time, dammit, my consumerist urge is itching and being tickled and screaming out for vengence... but alas, purchasing might have to wait after the 2k bill from last month.

i need to smoke less, so i left my cigarettes at home this morning, brilliant! then i went to see if my ipod turned up at the gym. When it did not, i went and bought expensive cigarettes, just to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, if i have more expensive cigarettes, i'll smoke less, ahhhh logic is leaving me, just like sense left me long ago.

i still sleep with the lights on... yes, yes, it's my awful singing, but alas, i like it, ha ha ha ha

and to put that last bit in perspective

I was thunder struck just now with another catalysmic event, ha ha ha ha. In retrospect the bit of mental anguish earlier can hardly be described as "terror" compared to this... it just made me realize how much i take for granted and how insatiable i can be. ha.

then again it's exactly moments like now that I wish I had that someone who would say a few comforting things to me... does that make me weak... I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure everyone's got some moments of weakness like this one. it's funny that this happened just now though. it's like the divine's tip of the hat to remind me that, really, get over myself, i laugh and laugh and laugh.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, goddammit!

Compelled to dissect

I was most recently moved to a unquenchable jealousy. It was triggered by no more than a friendly exchange far away that has nothing to do with me. I can't say that whether it's "in spite of" or "because of" that I'm so disturbed. How irrational...

Am i unable to feel joy for the past? I recognize now that this torrent of terror is really based on my imagination for the future. The past I'm grateful for, but the future I'm afraid of... How curious... But in that vein, shoudln't I be able to view the perceived slight as what it is? something that happened in the past too. Away with me, now.

To live in the moment is a hard thing... I'm trying.

Note To Self II

What exactly is a Man, anyway?

I'm not actually that sure anymore. Recently I read the self proclaimed Greatest Page in the universe; by a guy who also wrote a self parody on Manliness (soon to be released, already a big hit, apparently). The blog itself is a farce of course. Yet it touched a few nerves. Notably, what makes this guy feel manly is being identified as the following, pirate, lumberjack, astronaut, players and you can guess the rest.

It amuses me that the state of Manliness has been reduced to this. Chasing tail, lifting things, beer, the absurd. It scares me that it's often not even a joke, but something ingrained into the psyche of the people. Not that I don't see the appeal of adventurers and handy men, but I thought we've long gone past that. Past even the point where the antithesis of such men are nerdy fixers of the technological kind. I too admired james bond, but as a child. When I realized that nowhere on earth is a 24/7 Monte Carlo casino, such illusions drifted away. So then, the question remains, what is a man? what thinketh the man? if anything at all...

So this is what I've come up with since childhood, in my deluded dreamscapes. A Man is strong and perseveres under duress. I've never cared to be a javelin tosser trying to hit a moving boar at 50 yards. Strength is... doing the right thing. Strength is conviction in one's beliefs without being dogmatic. Strength is Knowing what to believe in the first place.

Just looking that I find it a terrible definition. I'd probably have to include Dubya as a man with a definition like that, so maybe I need to preface this series of qualifiers with a slight intelligence standard. The ability to enunciate the word "nuclear" will do. Well that about cuts the field in half doesn't it...

But back to the point. I've thought a man should have a single-mindedness about him. No goal is too far away, and no point trivial in its pursuit. For a man is reasonable and resolute, knowing that reason is what he has above animals. So I suppose the knowledge of the self and the awareness of repercussions is a prerequisite. So in this way do I rule out idiots of hedonistic variety. To give up the spiritual in term of material comfort is insulting to the introspective man. And to say introspective is a qualifier again, cuts the population down to size...

I fear that I may be falling into a trap here. To define what a man is based on what I think I am would be a waste. No one can objectively describe what qualities they themselves lack, yet I'd like to try anyway...

A man should always live by his principles. To know what is important to him beyond the needs which keep him alive. The world is not a man's enemy but only materials to bend to his will. This life is so short and sometimes hardly qualified, but a Man should always be able to see the beauty within it, just like he should be able to see it within himself.

The conviction of a man's beliefs should lead him to be strong in mentality. I think this takes faith, since in this day and age complexity seems to turn up in every field. There's really nothing complex about being a man. Everything should be simple. Know what you want, and get it. Fail and die, but if it's a goal worth pursuing, it would be a good death, befitting a good life.

Actually, that wasn't so hard. I think that about sums it for me. Just these few things. Know yourself, which leads to principles to live by, stick by them, make use of the world as presented to you, waive not in your convictions, and don't bitch. Everything else is just peripheral.

hmmm, do I fit? well I can definitely be better. ha

But if even Aurelius can be thankful of what he's learnt late in life, so can I.

the boiling, and the splash

All day I've been reminded of how much this tepid weather is agreeable to me. I really enjoy it. The feeling of such heat that it almost sticks to you. I think I get that feeling mostly because this kind of sensation prevents me from moving too much, thus essentially indulging my laziness. Could it really be that? shiiiiit. I thought so, 'till...
I had to walk an hour home today, across the Queensboro Bridge in the pouring rain. Was I hating it for the first half an hour. Second day in a row that I was soaked. Yet an unexpected change came over me... I enjoyed it. Getting a bucket of water poured on one from the hand of god seems a harsh reminder, but at least it was cool. I loved it, I did. Love. No matter how much heat i wanted and how every drop was warmed to my skin, i didn't even want to open my eyes anymore.
Funny how when i look back on it, the oppressive and inescapable heat, the constant reminder of the opposite element, crossing a long long bridge under duress, and.... then.... freedom. Could it be.... naaaaaa