Note To Self I

On Despair

What is the point of despair? Despair is the disappearance of hope. One gains or loses it as one takes segmented amount of past evidence to derive a likely set of future outcomes AND reach the apparent lack of resolution/conclusion (in case of the negative projection). The setup of this rationale is sound only when every variable in a subject's circumstances are taken into account, which of course is impossible(as chaos theory help to illustrate in the so called external world). SO the derivation of the lose of hope is a fundamentally unsound equation not unlike a third grade math question that ask for an integer answer but is equated to 5/3. The Logic may be perfect but the starting points include too many unaccounted variables. Yet we do it constantly anyway, because we are not rational but emotional at the core. At Any Given Moment I...

can feel paralyzed by the thought of paralysis, like circular logic it only needs to feed upon itself to perpetuate a state of utter helplessness. The beginning is quickly forgotten, conveniently, as the end seems out of sight. It is a rare case of living in the moment actually, albeit not pleasant by any means. In those moments that just passed and like this one now, one talks with no punctuation pauses of a recognizable kind but is consumed with feeling of emptiness but not nothingness like any Buddhist would tell you or I or anyone capable of remembering a damn thing. It only FEELS like it'll last forever and sometimes it even hurts so good.

So we have a flawed beginning as we're only prone to rationale when in a nonemotional state yet cannot comprehend a big enough of a picture beyond our immediate presuppositions and memories. The more intelligent the person, the more variables are taken into account in the beginning, until a point is reached when one supposes the equation must be complete with an abundance of information. Even is all seemingly relevant information was gathered, what is forgotten here is that the external universe is constantly changing, if only slightly. The reverberations of an existing unexplained world cannot be predicted by anything close to exactitude. Is it then impossible not to fall into the trap of such a sweet poison that is despair? I think not. Many common types display this everyday in small gestures of antiquated symbolism that they know not the origins of. Guilt is eased by hail maries. A day of woe relieved by an Allah Akbar. Someone with a murderous intent might simply drink. They're only examples of how easily the ignorant can deal with despair where as a more complicated soul might have more issues. The latter refuses to stick a said giant bloc of unknown labeled "Faith" and call it a night. Yet seeing how the beginning of the equation already contains a dosage of the emotional sprinkled in, it is perfectly logical to balance out the question with a bit of mysticism at the other end. It is simply important to believe in Something. What seems difficult to me is how to choose that Something that is within the realms of reason and believability. But really I don't really think it matters what it is as long as one's singular of mind and stalwart of heart to it. Perhaps the healing aspect of Chocolate will do, perhaps another person. Since Faith does not require logical proof or material evidence by definition, whatever the Something is ONLY symbolic of the kind of person who has faith in it. It goes without saying that I believe every person has faith in something already(even Nothingness is Something in this case, or Death, though those constituents tend to last only a short time here on Motel Earth), it is only the recognition of which I'm concerned with. In moments of despair, remember what you believe in implicitly.