6 months of bewilderment

what a torrid turn of affairs. Was it to be missed instantly? or hardly? I don't think it's within me to miss anything hardly. Were the others right? Was I so wrong? In the words of the flighty "as, if". I blame my mom, I think that's where I get this stubborness from... thank god she's strong, hopefully I got that too.

I can honestly say it's not the time for initial reactions anymore. A few days has passed since the marking of yet another chapter, always on that day... the irony has not eluded me... Still, at least it makes things easy to remember. The shock wore off, though the side effects remain to be seen.

I will not be sucked into the cycle. It must be me. I know this. I could have been a bigger person, a kinder person, a nobler person, a stronger person. And I will be. Even if... it does no good. God i hate those jackasses who're always positive and shit, but no no, this is not what I'm doing. Only simply this, I have a reason to be good, to be better, and not perpetuate a vicious cycle.

So the wind turned into a snowstorm that blindsided me, because I refuse to open my eyes and see no evil. I shall give her fairer motives, nobler roots. Is it more than she deserves? could I have been mistaken? I think not. My Divine cannot be mistaken.

so bewildered I was, but clarity I've always had, perhaps because I'm dumb... But I'm willing to take that risk.